​​​​Ryan KUSHNER

Points in Case




 

• I’m the Conductor Yelling "Alllllll Aboard" at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss

• You Ain’t from ‘Round These Parts, Are You? Best Subscribe to My Newsletter, Pard

• Guided Meditation to Help You Stop Thinking About the Boat Tunnel Scene in "Willy Wonka"

• 3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria's Secret

• Why You Should Reelect Me to the St. Anthony Parish Council

• Rejected "Dark Phoenix" Poster Concepts by Someone Who Clearly Never Saw the Movie
   

Slackjaw

• How to Determine Whether You Should Allow Zerbia, My Pet Chimpanzee, To Attend My Funeral

• I Came Here To F*ck And Clean All The Dishes In The Sink — And There’s Still, Like, A Ton of Dishes In The Sink

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McSweeney's Internet Tendency

• The White Hand of Saruman Will Be Given Only To Uruk-Hai Who Subscribe To SaruBlue
   

Weekly Humorist

• Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire
   

Robot Butt

• Wizard of Oz Under Scrutiny For Spending $1.2 Billion in City Funds on Yellow Brick Road

• I Didn’t Have Anything Nice to Say So I Didn’t Say Anything at All. Here’s What Happened.

• I’m the Random Bird Flying Around Walmart and I’m Not Here to Amuse You